6/29/2006

Alabama Vengeance Stories
by Bard Cole

A small town in Alabama is terrorized by the resurrected zombie corpses of murdered black folk and other victims of white society. These zombies especially care to seize a white family's sons, strip them nude, and sodomize them while slurping out their brains through large bite holes at the base of their skulls. While this occurs, black lady zombies serve tea and distribute box lunches. At first, the white people work on a plan to defeat the zombies, but then it seems too complicated, plus they figure this is exactly what they had coming.

An Alabama teenager is dealing coke to his rich friends. A whole posse of black drug dealers come from Atlanta and take over the boy's house with guns. His family is in the house, as well as all his friends down in the rec room. One by one the black drug gang rapes and kills every member of the boy's family and then every one of his friends, as each begs for his or her life. They leave the drug dealer boy for last. He is all upset and crying like a little bitch. The evil drug dealer leader, Q-pod, breaks every one of the boy's fingers, then stomps his shins and forearms until the bones snap like twigs. The gang holds the kid down and nail his prick to the floor, then they give him a rusty knife, then they set the whole house on fire. On the drive back to Atlanta, D-Dog reminds Q-pod that he "broke that cracker motherfucker's fingers, how's he supposed to saw his motherfucking dick off?" Q-pod was embarrassed, D-Dog was right! How silly he was not to think of that! They laughed all the way home.

An Alabama teenager worries his little bro is gay, so he & his frat brothers kidnap his bro & take him to Crazy Sexy's where he is forced to go to bed with a parlor-tanned 28 year old woman with severe chlamydia and a yeast infection. The boy gets chlamydia and a yeast infection up his urethra, i.e., his weiner hurt bad. He wasn't gay but boy this makes him scared of pussy now, he don't ever want to have sex again. His older brother realizes that he and his frat brothers enjoy forcing a weaker male to experience sexual arousal while they intimidate him. They become UA's first openly gay frat and have S&M parties every month, attended mostly by guys visiting from Auburn.

An old Alabama grandpa shoots his teenage grandson for watching the MTV. In revenge, his daughter-in-law ties him up underneath her SUV and drives all around the pot-hole-ridden streets of Tuscaloosa, with the result that by the end only shreds of his corpse remain attached to her vehicle. For this she is kicked out of the Jaycees.

Five drunk Alabama teenagers are killed on the way home from Gulf Shores. Their names are Kelli, Britnee, Kamryn, Jaxon, and Wylee. Everyone is so sad at their funerals. People leave big flowers by the embankment their car flipped over.
Then, their parents discover their secret diaries and learn their secrets, such as Kelli didn't believe in Jesus anymore and thought Christianity, while a comforting moral compass, possessed symbolic rather than literal truths; such as Britnee had a crush on a black guy who wasn't good at sports, didn't have a big dick, couldn't sing, and wanted to be an accountant; such as Kamryn had been entertaining the thought that her aversion to penetration might be because she was a lesbian rather than just being a reaction to all the sexual abuse her Uncle Dave had done to her because she was too pretty for him to help himself; such as Jaxon enjoyed it when his Yankee girlfriend put a finger up his ass during sex; such as Wylee not thinking all that highly of World War II vets.
Learning these appalling facts, the people of their town dug up the corpses, stripped them, threw them into a pile, and set them on fire. They took the fake flowers and decaying stuffed animals from the embankment crash site. Everyone felt ashamed, and never mentioned it again.

An Alabama teenager had a hard time in life, he blamed his high IQ, so he took an ice pick, stuck it into his head above his eye, and gave himself a home lobotomy. Once it healed, he found a girlfriend and his dad stopped calling him a sissy.

Jesus says to make things even, Alabama must send a tribute of 49 youth & 49 maidens once every 7 years for seven times total to Idi Amin's Castle. These youth must be the handsomest and most athletic, the maidens the most beautiful & virginal, from the families of the highest rank. If a family has more than one child, the selected kid must be the undisputed best one. The first time it happened, there was some attempted cheating but Jesus found the more loved child wherever he or she was being hid & his soldiers dashed out the hapless teenager's brains on the spot. Then he had the corpse mashed up and shoved up into the womb of the mother who cherished it so rashly, and then she was sewn shut. This punishment deterred most cheaters but people were still sad, because after their departure none of these youth or maidens were ever heard from again.

A boy who would redeem his people of Alabama came forward, his name was Typhus J. Tutweiler, he had sandy hair and a winning smile and a big dong. To save his sister Regina he threw acid in her face. Jesus couldn't think his way around that one. Then, he was selected one of the forty-nine youth. On the boat over to Idi Amin's, the other forty-eight youth decided they didn't like Typhus's stuck-up, "I'll save Alabama" attitude, like he thought he was too good or something, so they set upon him & bit him to death. Displeased, Idi Amin killed them all most painfully, with elaborate tortures that took months and in a few cases years.

Secretly Typhus Tutweiler had had a son, a balmy lad named Crocus, skilled at archery and syllogisms. His mother was Typhus's very own mother, she was the only female he knew well enough to ask. Before the beginning of the 7-year pageant of his youth, Crocus set the stage on fire. He stabbed his own chest open and watered the ground with plumes of blood jetting from his beating heart. Capricious as ever, Jesus restored the boy to life & swept him away to heaven. He was pleased by Crocus, though he did call that self-sacrifice act "kind of copycat."

2 Comments:

Blogger Herrien said...

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3/02/2010 12:52:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

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4/16/2011 07:53:00 PM  

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